We’ve been there. Waking up to a searing pain pulsing through your forehead. That guaranteed hangover cure your friend swears by. The greasy breakfast, painkillers and coffee.
St. Patrick’s Day is rough. Green beer, whiskey shots and swarms of people downtown with the mutual purpose of delightfully drunk debauchery.
We, here at The Crow’s Nest, have you covered. You may only remember the seven drinks you slammed before midnight, but we’re here to let you in on the things you forgot you did.
And it was wild.
- Bought 30 shots of Jameson at the bar, drank half of them.
It was a great idea at the time. You were definitely the life of the party for a solid hour. But then you stopped counting. No one wants to drink alone, so when the fourth, fifth, sixth person asked you to join them, I mean why not?
- Sang “Toxic” way better than Britney ever could.
No one asked you to do it. There was a karaoke sign up sheet, but when this song comes on — everyone get out the way, it’s time to shine. Thankfully, ya’ girl got you on that harmony.
- Tried to get back with every ex on your phone… woof.
You promised you wouldn’t. All your friends begged you not to, but they don’t get you like he (or she) gets you. So you picked up your phone and begged them all to take you back — in a group message. One question: why all of them? At once? That’s a bit extra.
- Met your soulmate at the bar, won’t see them again tho.
They were cute. Sitting there with green beads and a stiff drink. They said all the right things, had eyes that pierced right through you and that smile! We’re sure that puke will wash out of their hair, it’s just too bad you didn’t ask for their number earlier.
- “Where did your clothes go?”
Listen, it happens. You were way too hot for the club anyways and just needed to cool off a bit. Honestly, it probably felt liberating— I mean, there aren’t many people who could pull off an Irish Step Dance in their birthday suit.
- Rode a donkey down Central
You looked magnificent. Like a modern Don Quixote, but with a lot more swish in that swagger. You had the whole crowd, even the police on horses, all jealous. Where did you get the donkey?
Oh, believe me: You know a guy.
- “Well, there goes that friendship.”
You didn’t need them anyway. I mean they were just jealous. You were looking like a snack. So what if you accidentally made out with their significant other and drunk texted their siblings using their phone? Besides, they were just jealous of your donkey.
- “No, guys. I don’t need sleep! I just need to rest my eyes.”
Staying out drinking until the bartender has to kick you out as they lock the front door at 3 a.m. is the definition of a long night. After that, it’s natural that you’d require a bit of rest. But not sleep, though! Nah, the night is still young…ish.
- “Whose bed is this?”
Okay, maybe you fell asleep. It was inevitable, honestly. That’s what alcohol does to you. But where were you? Your house…? No. A friend’s house? Nope. Back with the ‘rents? Who cares? God, I hope they had coffee for you.
- That’s not where you should go to the bathroom
Oh no. I’m sorry, but you did what? Where? I mean, I know after eight or nine drinks it gets really hard to hold it in, but I think it may have been your societal responsibility to hold it. You know what? You do you.
This article is satire. The Crow’s Nest suggests that you make sure none of this happens to you.
Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons