By James Bennett III
People love ragging on Florida.
Sure, the infamous — not to mention worst — superhero known as Florida Man runs rampant. And yes, we do have alligators that snatch up children at Disney World.
But you know what else we have? Publix.
Publix, where Target shoppers wish they were.
Publix, where chicken tendies come on sandwiches.
Dare I say… Publix, where Walmart can kiss my ass.
Here are just a few reasons why Publix really is “where shopping is a pleasure.”
They have old-looking scales
Have you ever wondered how much you would weigh if you just unhinged your jaw anaconda-style and swallowed your groceries whole? I know I have. With scales in every Florida location, Publix helps you stay self-conscious about all the junk food you just bought.
According to a Tampa Bay Times article, the “people weighers,” as their founder George Jenkins called them, were installed after he realized that most people could only weigh themselves at the doctor’s office.
Free cookies if you’re under 12 (or you don’t mind making a scene)
If you’re having a rough day that can only be eased with free cookies, just slam yourself onto the floor, take a deep breath and then let out an ear-piercing scream before chanting, “Give me cookies, give me cookies.” A pack of sprinkled sugar cookies costs less than $5, but free food tastes better.
I’ve found the same method works when asking for a bank loan.
People respect the rules at Publix
I got cussed out the other day when an older gentleman noticed that I had 11 items in the 10 items or fewer “checkout.”
I could have done without his crotchetiness, but had to respect the point that he was making. This was Publix. Not some rinky-dink “superstore” where you can just stroll in, buy a gun, grab a few beers and then proceed to checkout. Publix doesn’t tolerate that kind of silliness.
You get your groceries. You pay the kind cashiers. You leave.
I still stayed in the line though.
The founder looks like Walt Disney
If the founder of the “Happiest Place on Earth” and the founder of Disney World stood next to each other, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
Then again, if we stood any two decomposed bodies next to each other, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. You would also (hopefully) have a lot of questions.
Way fewer wackadoodles at Publix
I suppose that if you genuinely enjoy singing to your imaginary friends, this one is actually a point for Walmart.
Don’t get me wrong, I love to people-watch. I just don’t like getting hit with the Zuckerberg stare whenever I go grocery shopping.
They promote insider trading
The only way to buy stock in Publix is to work there. This means their employees own the business while having a direct influence over how well the company does.
All jokes aside, Walmart is a perfectly good place to go grocery shopping. To show you how well I can practice “balanced journalism,” here are a few reasons you’ll catch me at good ol’ Wally World.
You get to “test” the food in the produce aisle.
I see you grape thief. We all see you.
What you’re doing isn’t wrong or even ethically questionable as long as you only do it at Walmart. Large corporations can afford to lose a few grapes here and there. What isn’t cool is when you start to sample the fermented grapes over in the wine section. Security guards get really mad when you do that.
Publix is from Florida so … Ew
If you want to live a long happy life, don’t touch anything from Florida. It’s already been touched by either old people or cocaine.
Everything is cheap
Did you really need a floatie for your recently purchased kiddie pool? No.
Is it gonna make you look like a giant inside a regular pool? Still no.
Either way, it only costs a few bucks, and Florida gets really hot during the summer. From makeup to that produce you swore you were going to eat, everything is dirt cheap at Walmart, even dirt.
It just goes to show that any grocery store has its ups and downs. We should all just appreciate the fact that we even have grocery stores to begin with, and I rea… wait, I’m just now hearing that Publix supports the National Rifle Association and fought against medical marijuana. Meanwhile, Walmart has trouble paying attention to child labor laws.
Either way, just shop local and don’t let major corporations ruin your lives.
