Pumpkin spice isn’t basic, you are

By James Bennett III

You hate to see it.

Every year, as our (supposedly) tropical paradise begins to cool down and all the jack-o’-lantern candy baskets emerge, a small hoard of brainlets come out of the woodwork to bash on pumpkin spice.

They never even offer a well-thought-out reason for their hatred of pumpkin spice, either. They simply assert that “pumpkin spice is for basic bitches,” and scurry off to find some other bandwagon to hop on.

The simple fact that most pumpkin spice-hating misanthropes forget is that pumpkin spice is a perfectly valid addition to a plethora of dishes.

Their misguided hatred of pumpkin spice makes about as much sense as saying “salt is for poor people.” Even worse, their thoughtless dismissal of the delectable autumn hallmark is comparable to people who say mayonnaise is for white people — as if the color of your skin has anything to do with the food you enjoy.

Perhaps their anger would be more productive if directed toward the huge corporations that peddle it. Starbucks is a great example; sure, it markets pumpkin spice lattes like its life depends on it, but I imagine you would do the same if you had to rely on special flavors to mask the stale, over-roasted and all around horrible taste of your overpriced coffee.

Support your local coffee shops that know how to prepare a good espresso instead of the “venti” sized corporation that somehow always gets your name wrong.

Better yet, pumpkin spice-haters could turn their frustration toward the process of becoming “basic.” If you want to make fun of mall-shopping, “The Office”-loving, iPhone-using, cookie cutter, middle-to-upper class people so much, there’s a good chance you’ve got a problem with the mentality that makes that behavior so prevalent — not the individual segments, such as an affinity toward pumpkin spice, that come together to make a “basic” person.

The only problem here is that anyone who blurts out, “Oh, you like pumpkin spice? You must be basic,” is likely far too engaged with their own “basic” pleasures, such as hipster music that “you’ve probably never heard of before,” or sharing memes in their group chat, to realize that they’re just as guilty as the so-called “basic” people for enjoying things that plenty of other people have already found enjoyment in. Normies.

Just say “wake up sheeple,” honk your little clown nose and go back to the flavorless dungeon where you belong.

Unless you’re in the process of ripping up your social security card and marching into the wilderness, I don’t want to hear a peep about pumpkin spice lovers being basic.

Meanwhile, I’ll appreciate my pumpkin spiced coffee, hot sauce, cookies and beer as the only indicator that the seasons have changed in Florida. Halloween and Thanksgiving are rad, your hatred of pumpkin spice is sad and you should all feel bad.

Another hole in pumpkin spice-hater logic is the broadness of their statement that pumpkin spice is for basic people.

Surely the combination of ground cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves and allspice is incapable of producing some magical transformation that could turn even Charles Manson into a “basic bitch.” If, by chance, it does somehow strip people of their assumed individuality, I’ve got some fairly creative suggestions for the U.S. Department of Defense.

Otherwise, I hardly think enjoying pumpkin spice implies an innate gravitation toward mainstream culture.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to chug any pumpkin spiced drink I can get my hands on while listening to doom metal records and playing Dungeons & Dragons.

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Written by: James Bennett on October 21, 2019.
Last revised by: Kat PiccoloOctober 20, 2019.