By Manuel Vicente Lalande
In a world of corrupt politicians, global warming, anti-vaxxers and flat-Earthers, it can be difficult to have faith and believe that everything is going to be ok.
Everyone needs to have faith in something, or someone. Some people have faith in a God, some in their families and some in themselves.
I have chosen a different path.
Rather than rely on vague mysticism — or human error — I have chosen to place my faith in the spiritual experience that is Google Maps.
Picture yourself lost in the night, driving down a road you’ve never seen, surrounded by landmarks completely foreign to you.
You’ve tried using a regular map to get you where you need to go, but now you don’t know which way is up, and you’re on the verge of… asking for directions.
That’s when you see it: the heavenly blue glow from your phone. The wisdom of Google Maps shines down on you and shows you the true path.
Google defines religion as “the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power.” And what power is more superhuman than instant and precise navigation on demand?
Every day, millions of people already unknowingly participate in the miracle. While they cannot see the 32 omniscient military satellites hovering above them, guiding their path, they trust and have faith that they are there and go where they are instructed.
Be wary of the false prophets Apple Maps and Waze. While they may lure with the promise of ease-of-access or Terry Crews voiceovers, one does not need to search deeply to find the natural supremacy of Google Maps. With its settings for public transit navigation and global street view, it reigns supreme over Apple Maps with an iron dongle.
As for Waze, sure the idea of Morgan Freeman telling you to make a U-turn might sound neat, or even Colonel Sanders from KFC rerouting your commute could seem fun.
The truth is, however, that like all false idols, this pretender could never bring you the salvation of Google Maps.
Beside the fact that Waze is essentially only for cars, it is community-based. This means that its traffic reports and routing decisions are fickle and subject to human error.
The same is not true of the Messiah. With its data-driven decision-making and much more powerful artificial intelligence computing, we should all come to realize that there truly is only one way. The right way. The Google way.
Yea, though I commute through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no traffic: for thou art with me; thy app and thy dongle they comfort me.
