Photo designed by MK Brittain
By Carrie Pinkard
Oh! Hello, Your Name Here!
We here on Your Island Name in Animal Crossing: New Horizons hereby give you notice to evict the premises.
We expect you to have your pockets packed to vacate on or before May 1, 2020.
We understand that outside this island a horrible disease is festering, but we can’t let the behavior we’ve seen go unnoticed, Ho Ho!
Your health and wellbeing are of utmost importance to us — but not quite as important as the 98,000 bells you haven’t paid toward your home loan.
Below you will find a list of grievances that the villagers and myself have compiled.
Please note that this list is complete and thoroughly investigated, and we will not be accepting responses at this time. Do not attempt to hire a lawyer because all animals in this universe are employed by me, Thomas “Big Daddy” Nook.
Reasons for eviction:
- Your girlish shriek reverberates across the entire island when you catch a fish — even if it’s only a Crucian Carp.
- You ask me 19 times a day what YOU should be doing, but you never ask ME how I’M doing.
- Timmy and Tommy say you have a crystal meth problem.
- CCTV footage caught you doing unspeakable things in “Nook’s Cranny,” which, despite the name, is not, in fact, a brothel.
- You’ve repeatedly spent your bells on non-essential items, like medicine and fruit to eat, instead of spending it on what’s really important: YOUR RENT.
- You’re not quite fond enough of the local fauna.
- Blathers alleges that you only donate to the museum for the tax break.
- Even the wasps are tired of stinging you.
- You’re a human who has elected to live on an island with a bunch of animals, which has raised suspicions you might be into beastiality. (Antonio swears he’s seen you watching him work out, honk).
- Insider trading on the turnip exchange.
- You gave your DODO airline code to the Zodiac Killer, who savagely murdered four villagers.
With an unknown disease running rampant, we understand now is not the best time to be kicking people out to sea.
To help ease you into your move, we’ve decided to reclaim 99 percent of your possessions to help pay off your debt. This just means you’ll have less to carry, yes yes!
We will leave you your baby chair (sans baby), and your bidet.
It’s our understanding that the president of Nintendo will be sending out stimulus checks of 1,200 bells to everyone who made fewer than 75,000 bells last year. Considering you’re a low-skilled worker who has never caught a rare bug in your life, we are confident you’ll fall into this category.
Please remember that Your Island Name Here is always open to guests, with bells, who want to stimulate our economy.
We appreciate your business, and know you have other options to live…oh wait…*Delight reaction*
We wish you the best as you search for new horizons elsewhere.
Your Landlord,
Tom Nook
Notary Public,
Isabelle
P.S. Plucky says she wants her lawn furniture back, chicky-poo!
