Pictured above: Cover photo designed by MK Brittain.
By Carrie Pinkard
Dear Humankind,
As you know today is MY day. It’s the one day a year you brag about me being a cool mom on Instagram. This year, I don’t want a card you picked out at Target last-minute, and I don’t want a coupon for Massage Envy. I want more space.
About a month ago, when you started staying home and not visiting me as much, I was hurt. I missed you for a while. I missed my loud city children who never stop moving and sometimes pee in the subway. I even missed my country kids who think Cracker Barrel is a food group.
After writing for a few days in my dream journal, I realize an empty nest is the best thing for realigning my chakras. I’m #thriving without you zapping the life out of me all the time. I feel like a new woman. I’ve started to manifest my own health and happiness.
Now that you’re gone I can finally keep the place clean. Your trash isn’t lying around everywhere. My Himalayas are poppin’. All my beaches love me. My water has never been clearer. My pets are even happier; the whales are singing more often.
When you’re climbing all over me, I can’t hear myself think. Now, it’s finally quiet enough for me and Mercury to start that book club. Up first is “Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child.”
I was able to FaceTime with Venus last week. We talked about you. She said her Venusians never sass her like you sass me. I told her about the time you spilled oil all over my clean ocean and she freaked.
Why do you have to constantly whine? Are the three game systems and flat-screen TV not enough to keep you entertained indoors?
Stop asking over and over why you have to stay inside. Because I said so.
I know some of you are saying, “But Florida isn’t staying inside!” And to that I say, if Florida jumped off a cliff, would you do it, too?
Your pre-quarantine behavior toward me is not sustainable, young humanoids. I want you to start treating me like I’m the only mother you’ve got. Because I am.
Please know I’ll always love you. I still want you to brush your teeth and eat your vegetables. I just want you to do that from six feet away. I’m not saying you can never come back — I just want us to have a healthy relationship. Take this time to practice a little R & R… and R (Reduce, Reuse, Recycle). Maybe take a peek at the Green New Deal and we’ll talk.
For now, mommy needs her Me Time.
Now go to your room. And stay there.
Love,
Mother Earth
