From some music-forsaken place sprang the idea that any song with jingle bells constituted good holiday music. Unfortunately for us, record labels everywhere agreed. At least now we can appreciate a good one when we hear it. Spike some eggnog and brace yourself for an earful of snowy sludge.
Wonderful Christmastime
By Paul McCartney
Somebody got a little overconfident with his songwriting. Paul could have at least been more convincing with this commercial sellout song; there’s not enough emotion here to excite a toy robot.
Happy Christmas (War is Over)
By John Lennon and Yoko Ono
Beatles members seem to have a tradition of fizzling out when it comes to carols. Then again maybe this one was just part of Yoko’s plot to destroy the band’s legacy and eat John’s soul.
Christmastime is Here Again
By Ringo Starr
Oh Ringo, say it ain’t so. The hits just keep on coming from the Fab Four. He even takes the time to spell out the word “Christmas” for us, bless his soul.
Christmas Song
By George Harrison
He doesn’t actually have one! Hallelujah, my sweet lord.
Dominick the Donkey
By Ray Allen, Sam Saltzberg and Wandra Merrell
Once, there was an Italian donkey that helped Santa deliver Christmas presents. This is one of those songs you’ll listen to again out of sheer disbelief that you heard it the first time.
Last Christmas
By George Michael
Last Christmas when George Michael gave somebody his heart, they gave it away the very next day. SO WHY IS HE SINGING ABOUT IT AGAIN THIS YEAR? Teach us how to grow new hearts, George.
Christmas Shoes
By Newsong
Fathoming the amount of trees that must have died to procure an ample amount of sappiness for this song is truly horrific. Seriously, it’s dripping in corny syrup.
Same Old Lang Syne
By Dan Fogelberg
What’s worse than receiving a big fat bag of coal for Christmas? Can’t tell you, but it starts with “F” and ends with “ogelberg.”
