As any cold that ever was here recedes and spring rolls around, a weekend camping trip might sound like an appealing proposition. If you do decide to visit the wilds, remember that you are a sheltered human in an uncensored environment. There are more things that can go wrong than can go right.
- Though camping sounds romantic, don’t attempt to take a date if you’re under the age of 20, as you are still subject to death by lunatic serial killer. Full moons, Friday the 13ths and black lagoons should be planned around, in any event.
- If serial killers don’t scare you, consider this: Smokey is always (always!) watching. Only you can prevent forest fires, and if you don’t you may be roasted over one. Smokey often has his good friend Tony the Tiger over for the weekend, and they don’t mind chowing down on a disrespectful camper. Don’t let their ability to speak fool you, domesticated they are not.
- Tigers and bears still not enough to discourage you? Fortunately, you shouldn’t be seeing any lions in these parts. Regular lions, at least — the mountainous variety exist here. Unfortunately, a more vicious creature could be lurking in the shadows. See below.
- Raccoons are notorious thieves. They’re climbing in your windows, they’re eating all your s’mores. Grabbing your shiny objects up. They’re biting everybody out here. The sturdiest of tent flaps will be no obstacle. Come prepared with a tasty trash offering, or coon repellent.
- If you glimpse any unicorns, sasquatches or other cryptids, you’ve probably tasted a little too much of the local fungi.
- Houses made of candy or propped up on chicken legs should be avoided at all times. Treebeard won’t always be there to save you.
- Follow these three simple rules for downtime: Don’t bed down atop anthills. Don’t stargaze in patches of poison ivy. And most importantly, don’t pitch your tent in quicksand.
If you successfully avoid these obstacles, you should have a dandy time. Bon voyage!
