Russia – 2 p.m., Wednesday. Over 200 radioactive wolves that had been living in the ruins of Chernobyl unbeknownst to scientists were disturbed by a magnitude-3 earthquake. They set out across the countryside, disturbing wildlife and devouring the livestock of several farmers.
Scientists tracking the pack’s movements discovered something strange. Several rabbits left in the wake of the wolves had survived the migration with wounds that should have killed them. However, they displayed extreme symptoms of rabies, and were emitting high levels of radiation.
One scientist was bit and was immediately transported to a hospital where he was placed in a quarantined unit. He is suffering from a high fever and tremors, and doctors don’t know when he will be fit for human contact again.
Meanwhile, the other scientists, closer on the tail of the wolves, discovered piles of mutilated rabbits, these apparently dead. They were horrified when the bloody corpses started twitching and seemed to revive.
“We’re not calling them zombies, but this isn’t a natural phenomenon,” said Anton Tesla, one of the scientists. “It appears to be a genetic mutation of some kind.”
The wolves were eventually hunted down and killed by authorities, but several of the rabbits were captured and shipped back to labs for testing. In a horrible twist of events, one of the contaminated rabbits was mixed up with a healthy rabbit at the lab, and shipped to the United States.
It arrived in Kalamazoo, Mich., where it was to be featured in an Easter festivity. When they unboxed it at a city park, chaos ensued. The rabbit ripped apart several decorations, popped several balloons and bit one child before escaping into the trees.
It was later spotted nestled amongst a truck bed full of sheep headed for a petting zoo in north Florida.
The rabbit’s whereabouts are currently unknown.
Sightings of the rabbit should be reported immediately to 1-800-APRIL-FOOLS.
